Love.

Today, Emerald Joyce, you are one year old.  It is hard to believe that one year ago I was sitting in a hospital room full of people come to admire the most beautiful baby in the world (or at least the most beautiful in the room).  I was overwhelmed because there were too many of them, I was hot, and I was tired after not sleeping for about three days.  I was embarrassed because I was wearing a hospital gown and felt gross. But mostly I wanted them all to leave so I could hold you and sing all those songs I waited so long to sing to a baby of my own.

Your birth story is simple, but I have never written it down for you. (Don't worry readers-it's not gross or graphic.  Y'all should know I ain't into that.) I figure one day you will want to read it, and you should be able to.  So here it is, a small gift in return for the many you have given us.

You are also getting some Haba blocks, a rainmaker, and some other stuff. And we could feed a small country with the amount of money we have spent on food for your party tomorrow. So don't worry, this isn't the only thing we got you.

Dr Greer said you were NEVER COMING OUT.  There was pretty much no progress leading to labor when you were two days late.  Due dates are pretty much bullshit anyway, so I wasn't surprised.  Anyway, Dr. Greer scheduled an induction for November 1.  We were to check into the hospital that evening to start the process of meeting you!  Well.  You decided on your own timetable, like babies do.  On Halloween, one of my very good friends, Lindsey, defended her dissertation. I spent at least 45 minutes literally RUNNING all over campus getting her a video camera set up at the very last minute.  I joked with her before the defense that she was just trying to put me in labor.  I felt a few light contractions during the day, but nothing notable.  I went to Lindsey's graduation reception and then home to get ready for your dad and I to go out on our very last date before becoming parents.

On Halloween night, we went to Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I had chicken fried chicken, a welcome treat after being SO HEALTHY throughout pregnancy. Your dad had some Jamaican dish that gave him heartburn, and some ice cream.  I got my cheesecake to go.  During dinner, I felt some uncomfortable contractions, but they didn't really hurt, so I didn't say much about it.  I had a feeling that I might be going into labor, and I remember going into the bathroom at the restaurant and just staring at myself in the mirror.  I suppose that was the moment I actually realized what was happening.

I had contractions all night long while your dad slept.  To give him credit, he did try to time them for me, but it wasn't working.  I timed them myself, about 5 minutes apart.  At 5 a.m., I called the hospital, and I was told that until my contractions were 2 minutes apart that I should take some tylenol and go to bed.  I was like, "WHAT! I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE! OR ALLERGIES!".  Anyway, I did eventually go back to bed, where I became an expert at sleeping between contractions.  After some rest, they were about 8 minutes apart for a few hours, gradually getting closer together throughout the day.  

We had a good day at the house.  I wrote a letter of recommendation for my boss to get a teaching award.  She got the award, and now has a copy of my letter that I wrote while I was in labor. Your dad did some work for the lab.  I had some of my leftovers from the night before, and took a bath. I almost drowned in the bathtub during one particularly rough moment.  I didn't have my cheesecake.  Mistake. I bided my time until it was time to go to the hospital for my induction, where I figured they HAD to take me since I had been scheduled.  WRONG.  My doctor called and told me that my induction was canceled due to lack of space at the hospital.  This was around 4 p.m.  I couldn't even talk through my contractions, so your dad talked to her and let's just say that Dr Greer read between the lines.  She jumped into action and cussed everyone at the hospital until they found me a bed in Labor and Delivery.  My contractions were 4 minutes apart and getting very strong until we left for the hospital at 6:30 to meet our doctor on call, Dr. McKnight.  

I rode in the car to the hospital (only about 1.5 miles, thankfully) sitting backward and breathing hard. Your dad was probably stressed but didn't let on.  You will learn that he lives like a duck (smooth and unruffled on top; paddling furiously underneath). So you remember that when you go on your first date. Anyway, we walked from the car into the lobby of the hospital, where I had to check in and explain to the very confused lady at the desk that I was scheduled for an induction but was actually in labor.  She didn't understand and I had to spell my name.  Twice.  Then your dad had to check in AND SPELL HIS NAME.  I prayed I wouldn't have a contraction in this public place.  I did. Ugh.  I became that lady.  Then I sat on the floor and cried because I was embarrassed.  Your dad sat on the floor with me and calmed me down and even though everyone was looking at us, I made it to the elevator and we went to the 3rd floor, Labor and Delivery.  

Then we checked in there and sat in the waiting room for 20 minutes!  And there was another couple there that was obviously there for an induction.  This lady was super pregnant, but NOT IN LABOR.  She and her husband tried very hard not to look at me as I resisted the urge to lay on the floor and cry.  Then we were called back.  I still think that no one understood I was in labor because I walked back to the delivery room.  Then the nurse was like, "are you contracting?" 

They got me in a gown, hooked up to fluids and monitors, etc, and then Dr. McKnight came and to see what kind of progress I had made. I was just below 5 cm! Which was great because I thought I was just being a baby about the whole process. I do think that other people handle that stage of labor better than I did, but hey it's labor, so all bets are off. We called anesthesiology immediately to place my epidural.  Rob had to leave for that part, but my anesthesiologist was an angel.  The epidural didn't work the first time, and it took about an hour to get me to a "non-miserable" state.  A couple hours later, I started having hotspots of pain, so we had to revisit the epidural.  One leg went numb.  I didn't regain feeling in my left leg until you were a full day old. Your heart rate was changing, so I had to lie in a very specific position with an oxygen mask.  I didn't mind, and watched an episode of "Friends" on TV. Our nurse was wonderful, and stayed with me the whole time making sure that nothing changed on the monitors.

Around 1 a.m., your Memere, TPa, and Aunt Rikki arrived!  Your Gigi and Deets arrived at our house around the same time, but decided to go to bed after their 7 hour drive. Everyone took a nap for 2-3 hours, and then we resumed waiting for you.  We made bets on who could pick the arrival time of Baby Emerald.  I picked 5:45.  

Around 5:20 a.m. (after about 35 hours of labor), it was finally time to push.  Even though I had the epidural and couldn't feel much, I had no problems.  It wasn't too hard, except I was so thirsty. Your dad was a great cheerleader, and faithfully fed me ice chips, the only food I was allowed to have.  I pushed, and tried to ignore the reflective panel in the ceiling.  I feel like there are some things I just really don't need to see!

At 5:56 a.m, you were born. Your dad cut the umbilical cord and you were placed on my chest. The rest of the world disappeared for a minute. All I remember is talking to you. You cried, I cried.  I think everyone cried, but I'm not sure because they didn't exist.  You looked scared. You looked at me and I fell in love. The ferocious kind of love that makes a person completely psychotic.

Then you were weighed and bathed, screaming constantly.  I think someone tried to teach me to feed you.  Then you, me, and your dad fell asleep until our first visitors (and my breakfast) arrived.

And now it has been a year!  Probably the best year I can remember, but definitely the worst in some ways. Maternity leave, going back to work, breastfeeding, quitting breastfeeding, ear infections, ear tubes, poop, vomit, unexpected midnight wake-up calls...all challenges. They have been more than offset by all the joy you bring to me and your dad.  You laugh and our bad days disappear. You chase the cat and share your toys with the animals and we think it's just the best thing.  Watching you learn to sit, crawl, stand, dance, walk, talk, and run has given me a form of joy I haven't felt since I discovered the talking and dancing Teddy Ruxpin. (Yep, that was the 80's.  Hopefully all those pictures of my crimped hair were washed away by Hurricane Katrina.)

In short, Happy Birthday my baby girl.

"My Little Girl"

Hey, little girl

You might not know this song

This another kind of song that you can sing along to me

Hey, little girl

Maybe someday

At least that's what all the good people will say

Hey, little girl

Look what you've done

You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own

You stole my heart and made it your own

Hey, little girl

Black and white and right and wrong

Only live inside a song, I will sing to you

You don't ever have to feel lonely

You will never lose any tears

You don't have to feel any sadness

When you look back on the years

How can I look you in the eyes

And tell you such big lies?

The best I can do is try to show you

How to love with no fear

My little girl

You've gone and stole my heart and made it your own

You stole my heart and made it your own

-Jack Johnson