Not a Zombie

Hey Y'all.  Yes I know I've been ignoring all of you.  But not on purpose, I swears it!  Anyway, to fill you in.  

Last weekend, starting on Friday night, Bella decided that her favorite thing in the world to do is to eat poop.  Preferably cat poop but any will do.  Then she likes to wait until we are either:

a) not home

b) sound asleep

AND THEN PUKE IT BACK UP ALL OVER THE MIGHTY HOUSE.  (You guys did know that we replaced the "F" bomb with the word "mighty", right?)  

So that's been fun.

Also, I went to spend the night over at my friend Aimee Franklin's house with some other girls, and we went out to eat and had some yummy snacks at her house while we watched "The Devil Wears Prada".  How do I not get tired of that movie, by the way? Me and Edie got romantic and shared some pink sparkly moscato.  Then, THEN!! I slept until almost 10 the next morning because I was on baby vacation, bitches.  (No replacement word for "bitches" yet.  Taking suggestions.)  After we gossiped our way through breakfast, I taught a yoga class for the ones that were still there, for old times' sake.

Then it was Monday again, faster than I could blink.  I am teaching a freshman biology course for non-majors at Stillman College twice a week this semester.  They all thought I was a student when I got in, which means they all get A's. Otherwise, it was your normal hectic week at work and at home.  

This past weekend, I really couldn't avoid cleaning the house anymore.  There really is nothing like the threat of impending company to make you rake the trash out of the house and wipe at least the top layer of dust off the dining room table. Rob's uncle Gary might be passing through on Thursday night for a very quick visit. So yesterday I cleaned.  All the Things.  

And last night I folded this, plus two more loads of laundry. It is mostly put away, too.  Told you the laundry was hampering my creativity.  (Pun intended?  Sure.) Slick sat around wondering when he could have his bed back, dammit.

Also, Em really really enjoys playing in the laundry, which is the cutest thing.

I know it looks like she never wears real clothes, but she usually does the cutest stuff in the morning before she gets dressed.  But I do put clothes on her...sometimes.

Okay so speaking of pictures of the cat, Homie mostly napped where Em couldn't pull his tail while yelling, "Dog! Dog!"

And finally, we have a video of Em walking!  And doing other kind of not-exciting things.  She is walking near the beginning of the video before she becomes fascinated with Rob's shoes.  Like I said, it's not very riveting material, but her earlier attempts at walking consisted of two steps followed by sorrow and tears.  She has been walking a few weeks, but only sporadically. So we waited for that stage to pass before we posted any videos.

A real conversation between Joy and I:

Me:  You know, Em kind of looks like a zombie when she walks.

Joy:  Well, OBVIOUSLY she needs a shirt that says "Not a Zombie".

Also, I realized that I never posted this one of her playing the piano and dancing (from her pre-walking days--also not wearing clothes):

Happy Monday!

Inadequate Mom Goes to a Birthday Party

We had a great time at Judson's first birthday party!  Such a good time, in fact, that Rob and I were both incredibly stressed when we left.  Seriously, who knew that kids' birthday parties were this serious!?  There has to be a theme.  And everything has to follow the theme.  You have to invite the whole daycare class.  You have to have personalized favors.  Stuff for the kids to do!  Stuff for the parents to do! Sheesh, I never knew.

I might have had in my mind that I would have a party to celebrate the fact that I kept a PERSON alive for a whole year.  And by celebrate, I mean drink.  But I really should have figured out that nothing is about me anymore.

I'm super duper glad we went because we really would have been sub-par in our birthday party throwing.  Anyway, I got to work yesterday and Joy and I planned out Em's birthday party, which will be Nov 3.  Fall Festival!  And since everyone should have their Halloween costumes out, we can do a costume party/contest.  We wanted to have it at a park, but decided on our house/backyard since having an outdoor event in November is probably tricky. Anyway, we are excited and Joy is going to help; this is right up her alley and having helpers is definitely right up my alley.  Plus, we will get lots of bonus points from the dads for having college football on the TV.

But back to Judson's party.

Tara and Wes (mostly Tara and her mom, I bet) did a wonderful job planning Judson's first birthday party. It was farm-themed and held at the "Top of the Barn" (it is what it sounds like) and petting zoo at Oak Mountain State Park.  The food was great, the weather was beautiful. All the details were super adorable, and let me just say this : Em had SO. MUCH. FUN.  I didn't expect her to play as hard as she did, but she did every activity and really enjoyed herself.  It helped that this was the perfect type of party for kids her age and there was plenty of stuff for her to do.  

And she loved the goats.  Currently, she thinks every animal is dog so when we walked up she was saying, "daw, daw!" But since she is still pretty young, I guess I can let it slide :)

Super Cute Invites:

Em's gift:

Pre-gaming, baby style.

Theme cupcakes.

Birthday boy gets all set to smash a cupcake.

"What is all this singing?"

Happy Birthday Judson!

Em plays in a ball pit.  

Gabe is her boyfriend.  

She shows her love by poking him in the eye and taking his toys.

That's my kind of girl :)

Told you, she is a bully.
Love hurts, Gabe.  Best you learn now.

Noah and Gerald

Judson opened presents for like 100 years.

I'm sure some of Em's birthday presents will be re-gifted to Christmas.

No, Gabe's mom didn't throw him out the window, but Gabe's dad DOES look concerned :)

...Still opening gifts.  The adults took 'shifts'.

The petting zoo.  The kids loved it!

Turns out, I'm surprisingly afraid of goats!  

But only the ones that try to eat my clothes.

So now the social butterfly has been to her first birthday party! And to celebrate that milestone, on Sunday night SHE WALKED.  ALL THE WAY ACROSS HER BEDROOM.

Happy Tuesday!

true story: molesters are everywhere. (and some other stuff)

A few stories to entertain you.  And mostly because I've started listening to those people who say, "You gotta write this stuff down!"

1.  Molestation Fail.  

Okay so here is what happened.  I was walking down the street from my job to my car.  It was hot.  I was tired and in a hurry to get Em at daycare.  I hear a car behind me slowing down, and I assume the person driving it is about to parallel park.  Instead, a black Honda Civic with very dark tinted windows follows me along the road for a while.  I ignore, like I do most things that I don't want to deal with.

The windows are lowered, and I see the person driving is of Asian descent but I can tell immediately that he has NEVER IN HIS LIFE lived anywhere in Asia.  I mean, he might have been to the Chinese Buffet once, but that's it.  He is wearing blue metallic aviators and has his hair spiked.  And is also wearing an Ed Hardy T-shirt.  He starts talking.  In a southern drawl.  (Score one point for me and my snap judgements).  "Hey, do you know how to get to highway 280?".  Now, people ask me for directions all the time, and I happily direct them (usually correctly) to where they're going.  This guy, however, kind of creeps me out.  

SO I SAY: "Yeah, first you need to turn around.  Make a right on 20th street, and a left on 12th Ave.  Once you're on 12th ave, you will see signs to Hwy 280." I didn't ask if he was going east or west, but gave him directions to go East.  

THEN HE SAYS:  "I don't know if I can make it without getting lost."

SO I SAY: "Of course you can.  Turn around.  Make a right on 20th street and a left on 12th.  It's not hard at all". 

THEN HE SAYS:  "I really don't think I can make it.  Can you ride with me to show me, then I will bring you back?"

SO I SAY:  "Um.  What?  No."

THEN HE SAYS:  "Really, I'll just bring you right back"

SO I'M THINKING:  This guy is probably a crazed he-man womankiller who wants to chop me up and sell my body parts to GAWD KNOWS WHO.  And seriously, he is a terrible criminal who would have more luck luring people into his car if he drove a van baring the sign, "Puppies and Free Candy!".

2. Gym Pickup Line Fail.

So yesterday I am at the gym.  Some of you may know that the gym has been recently renovated to be NEW! AND! IMPROVED!  And it is, for the most part.  New machines, new layout, fresh paint, new carpet, everything is in proper working order, better staffed, etc.  The problem is that there are also more meatheads.  You know the guys.  Super muscled with an ego to match.  Like the ones in THIS COMMERCIAL. And probably a healthy case of "Little Man Syndrome".  I have to disclaim here that I don't consider a well-muscled guy to be a meat head unless he opens his mouth and removes any doubt that he is a meat head.  Some are just in really really good shape and that is TOTES COOL with me.  Okay.  So I'm at the gym doing an ab thingie that requires me to hang from a bar and extend my legs out front.  This guy stops in front of me (thereby stopping me from extending my legs).  He is only slightly taller than my 60.5 inches.  Very bulky.  I appreciate the work it took for him to get those muscles.  His shoulders seem about as wide as he is tall.  His head is flat on the back, and the flat part has no hair, which he has tried to camouflage by combing some other hair over it, which really just draws attention to the problem.  But that part just makes me feel bad for him and his hair falling out.  I don't feel bad for him long. 

He stops in front of me. 

HE SAYS: "Hi, what is your name?"  "Do you work around here?"

So I HATE it when people try to have a conversation with me at the gym.  

I SAY:  "My name is Keri." " I work in the Psychiatry department doing research."

HE SAYS: "Oh, then I guess you don't see muscles like these very often."

(perfect opportunity here!)

I SAY:  "Well, my dad is a competitive bodybuilder. Top in his state for two years, actually."

HE SAYS: "Ummm...err, okay"

Then he moves.  Because I have intimidated him with a story about my dad.  My dad!  Like I said, Little Man Syndrome.

3.  Thank you Jillian Michaels

If you have ever watched "The Biggest Loser", you are familiar with Jillian Michaels, the fitness guru extraordinaire.  I have watched her train literally TONS of people into shape, and she gets amazing results.  

She recently quit the show to start a family.  She and her partner adopted a 2 year old girl from Haiti, and then two weeks later the partner also had a little boy!  Wowee, talk about changes.  Her interview in People magazine made me happy because she says (this is paraphrased):

"I just roll my eyes when I remember telling moms 'YOU HAVE TO PUT YOURSELF AND YOUR HEALTH FIRST'.  Now I know, you are never able to put yourself first.  You have to sacrifice.  You have to grow up."

I love that she now (after missing the gym for two weeks when her kids came home) understands the struggle of finding the time to work out (or do anything for yourself) when you have a career and a family.  Or even just a family that you stay home with.  I do it, but it is hard, and it took a few months after I went back to work to really work out something that would keep me happy and in the best shape I can be in.  So I'm glad she opened up and told the truth.

4. Social Butterfly:

 Em has been invited to a birthday party tomorrow!  Her first!  It is going to be at the Oak Mountain Petting Zoo for one of her "classmates", Judson's, first birthday party.  So excited.

5.  Creative OUTlets.

Joy has just reminded me of our latest very important scientific discussion.  We were looking at Pinterest for Halloween costumes and I was just marveling at all the ideas people have and said, "WHO HAS TIME TO DO ALL THIS STUFF?!".  Joy, of course, the craftiest crafter in all the land, raises her hand.  And I said, "Well, how do you keep your house clean?".
JOY: "Oh, Charlie is home cleaning and doing laundry on Thursdays!"
ME:  "THATS WHY I DON'T HAVE TIME!  I HAVE ALL THE LAUNDRY! AND THE CLEANING!"

Moral of this story:  The laundry is hampering my creativity.

Have a great weekend everybody! I will be taking my daughter to a birthday party and then cleaning the house.  Luckily Joy has offered to make Em's Halloween Costume :)

Super Epic

Seriously.  We have had an insane couple of weeks, but I've finally found the time to update.  Earlier today, Abby generously pointed out that I have not posted pictures of my kid in at least one week and she was worried I sent her to live outside.  I did not, no worries.  But I did consider making everyone else live outside.  More on that later.

First, Rob's parents (Gigi and Deets) came to visit.  They came in on a Thursday night and stayed to Monday morning.  Since we had a work "thing" to do on Friday, they got bonus time with Em!  Rob and his dad golfed while Gigi and I took Em shopping and to the coffee shop. 

Deets got yard tools as a belated birthday gift.

Em plays in her crib with the dog that Gigi and Deets gave her for Christmas.

Out for dinner at The Pita Stop.  No word yet on why I look GIGANTIC and Em looks TERRIFIED.

Alex also joined us for dinner one night.  

Em fell in love with him pretty much immediately and wouldn't let go of his shirt. 

 The men grilled pork chops outside, and I made salad with berries, homemade mac n cheese, and a blackberry/peach cobbler.

Em also thought it would be nice to take Gigi and Deets to the park to show them the swings.

 "In the next episode of, "Dad, You're So Silly!"...

After the park, we went for fro-yo.  That's not what this picture is of.  I'm just saying.

While Rob's parents were here, Em developed a terrible cough.  I caught this plague from her and was sick all week last week.  I coughed until I puked, seriously, not joking.  I had to skip runs and everything!  Luckily Em and I are both feeling better now.

In the meantime between visits with family,  my asshole cats did this:

Yes, they have spilled straight pins all over the floor in the laundry room.

Really, guys?  Considering what a TOTALLY LAID BACK person I am, you probably know I was not even a little worried about Em eating ALL THESE PINS and there being a catastrophe.

I swept them into an envelope and threw them away.  It's been a week and Em is still alive, so I'm guessing I got them all.

Then, this past weekend, we went to visit my parents (Memere and TPa)!
Rikki brought Tye (2.75 years) over, and my stepsister Kristen brought Christian (3.75 years) and Eli (8  months).  We tried to take a picture of all of them together.  It went a little like this:

Left to right:  Bells, Em, Eli, Tye, Christian

Step 1.  Look at Dog.

Step 2:  Em beats Eli in the face.

Who gave her that bottle anyway?

Step 3.  Eli has had enough and decides to leave.

Step 4.  Em convinces Eli to stay.

Step 6.  Both babies decide to leave and random people try to keep them from killing themselves.

Step 7.  Tye and Christian, pretty good at pictures by now, decide to kick and wave.

Step 8.  A decent shot that we'd best be thankful for.

Then there was some more madness as everyone kind of did their own thing.

Em got some quality time in with Gammy.  And Grumps, but he's not in any pictures somehow.

This reminds me of that scene in "The Aristocats" when the girl kitten says:

"Because I'm a LADY, THAT'S WHY!"

Memere and TPa help Em celebrate her Florida heritage by giving her a flamingo!

(MUCH cuter than jean shorts as dress clothes)

And she loves it, like she loves everything else on the planet.

TPa also picked out this Florida Gator headband. 

They DO say that it's great to be a Florida Gator...

Or maybe not.

 Em got over it though, and she and Eli had a snack together.

Oh, this is just me and my mom looking the same as each other, as always.

Em's eyeballing the kiddie pool...

Em's first time swimming!  We started in the kiddie pool. Tye and Christian made it a little dangerous...

Tye was so sweet to keep checking on Emerald. I love that kid.

Tye and Christian relaxing in the sun.

Made in the shade.

Em and Eli have fun under the sprinkler.  

That grass on Em's face makes her look like she has an evil eyebrow.

 TPa with the little babies.

Em is getting ready for her first trip to the big pool!

This is the best shot I got of her in her teeny bathing suit.

OHMYGOD it is the cutest thing I swear.

Em with me, Memere, and Aunt Rikki at the big pool.

Look at her face, she is so excited.

And FINALLY, a video!  Em's first trip to the pool.  I swear this kid had so much fun.  It's rather unfortunate that she loves the water and being outside as much as she does with that strawberry blond hair and peaches n cream skin. I was a little scared to hold her in the water, because (as you may know) I am not very aquatic.  But she and Rob had fun together.  Just ignore the conversation about the earplugs that's going on between me (behind the camera) and my mom (somewhere in the pool).  Many concerns about the ear tubes.  And in light of the Olympics, I just had to post my own video of my kid going swimming.

                                      

Okay, Happy Tuesday SuperEpic Blog Post Day!