I wonder if someone has done fMRI studies on moms vs. non-moms to see how their brains function, or don't function, as the case may be. At any rate, I feel like I have gone completely stark-raving mad over the past 6 months.
Em is 6 months old today! I have been responsible for another human for 6 months! Well, actually much longer than that. But taking care of a baby outside your body is, as I predicted, much more complicated than when they are still busy baking. It's busy and crazy, but I will say completely wonderful. I was worried about whether I would like being a mom, but really I find it to be the coolest thing. I learn something new every day, that's for sure.
So here is the part where I detail my insanity. I have always been prone to little OCD's, but I think most people are. For example, I change the sheets on Saturdays. Without fail. I get stressed if I don't. If we go out of town, the sheets are changed the day before we leave town or as soon as we return. In graduate school, I had this paralyzing fear of leaving the -80 degree freezer open at the end of the day, or that I had left the box of antibodies on the counter, thereby costing the lab thousands of dollars and ruining everyones samples. I would sometimes (read: often) go to the lab in the middle of the night just to check. I have a history of such craziness. I seriously don't know how Rob stands it, and honestly speaking, he has calmed me down considerably in the past few years. (See, Charlie? I'm not nearly as laid back as you thought.) Some of my other idiosyncrasies have fallen by the wayside in the past six months to make room for a new one:
I have a horrible, all-consuming fear that I'm going to leave Emerald in the car ALL DAY BY HERSELF while I'm at work. There. I said it. I'm afraid I'm going to forget to drop her at the daycare, forget she is in the car, lock her in the car, and go to work all day. The result would be tragic. Knowing what I know about the way the brain works, I know it is possible. And I know that it happens to good parents. Smart people who love their kids more than anything, who work in doctors' and lawyers' offices, who have MD's, JD's, and Ph.D.s.
I have tried everything to get over it. I put my bags for the day in the backseat of the car, so I HAVE to look at the empty car seat when leaving the car. I make a point to talk to people at the daycare when I drop her off so I can remember those conversations when I start to question myself. Still, I panic all day at work until I call the daycare "just to check on her". I swear they must think I'm certifiable. It's bad.
The other day I decided I really should talk to someone, just address it once and for all. Feeling crazy is no fun, after all.
But Rob came up with a solution that my over-thinking and frazzled brain couldn't. I love this man. So now I take a picture of Emerald's empty car seat every day with my cell phone when I get out of the car. It has the date stamped on it automatically, so I know it's current. Of course when he drops her off, I will more than likely make him take a picture and text it to me so I know he didn't forget.
This is cheaper than therapy and I won't need medication. Well, I don't need medication for that, at least.
I was thinking about therapy the whole time reading this until you brought it up in the last few sentences there. I don't think therapy is a bad thing, necessarily. I'm not fond of the "therapists" who just want to drug the problems away but I think talk-therapy can be good. I guess I can't say too much since I'm using the "can't afford it" excuse right now.
ReplyDeleteI also would think there is a kind of bond that parents have with children and vice-versa, especially in the child's early years, so when you are away from them for too long, you do start kinda freaking out about it. I wouldn't know but it makes sense to me that this would be the case.